Update on the littlest one

Well, there was relief to be had last week during my first dr's appointment on several levels.


1) My bicornate uterus is more than likely a septate uterus--which is more heart-shaped as opposed to 2 seperate "horns." This is a good thing because it means that the baby will have more room to grow and the risk of complications drops a little bit. Yea!


2) EVERYTHING looks text-book PERFECT so far on the ultrasound. Little bit is 1.2 cm long, has a perfect heart rate, little nubs for arms and legs, a big lap pool to laze around in (for the time being!), and so far is plenty busy growing!!!


So, that being said, I'm not quite as tired as I was a couple of weeks ago, but the morning sickness has kicked in enough that I'm uncomfortable to nearly actually getting sick depending on the day. I'm 9 wks along now, so hopefully that will lessen over the next couple of weeks as I approach my Second Trimester! It's still completely unreal that I'm going to be someone's Mom. Very cool, but totally unreal.

Oh! And my due date is 29 April 2008! Yea for spring babies!!

The Twilight of Waiting

I don’t think that this will come as any surprise to most of my friends who read this blog, but I do apologize to any of you who learn it first here…

I’m 5 wks pregnant.

And let me tell you, so far it’s been a strange couple of weeks. Of course I didn’t find out until 1 wk ago, but oh how much your mind-set can change in a week. I didn’t realize how out of control I’d feel and how fragile the state of pregnancy is. I’m so excited about this baby and I want to shout my great news from any and all near-by roof-tops, but I can’t yet.

I must do what I don’t do well at all: wait and relinquish control.

I have to wait for things to happen in their normal course. I have to wait 3 more weeks to go to the doctor. I have to wait 3 more weeks to confirm that I’m pregnant and get to see MY baby for the very first time. I have to wait 3 more weeks to know that my baby’s heart is beating. I feel like I’m holding my breath until then. But I know that the waiting thing is just getting started. I have to wait…to start showing—physical proof of why I’ve feeling the way I have…to feel the first movements—physical proof that the baby’s heart is still beating…to pass 34-36 weeks—to give Baby the best start in life…to have the baby.

And during all that waiting it’s already become clear to me that I have very little control over how all of this plays out. I’m used to deciding I want something and then working my hardest to make it happen flawlessly. This is something I want very badly, but the execution of it is not only out of my hands, but is also hidden from view. Oh, sure, I can exercise and eat balanced meals and sleep 8 hrs a night, but really…I have NO control over the development and health of the baby growing inside me. I didn’t truly grasp how immediately I’d feel the weight of responsibility for this child and feel powerless to protect it.

So anyway, here I am…waiting and doing a lot of deep breathing exercises.

Edited on 9/6--originally posted on 8/28.

Now I'm a little over 6 weeks and still going strong. Still doing a lot of deep breathing, but as far as I can tell, so far so good. As my good friend, Mamacita, said to me, "During this time you just have to close the pregnancy books, suspend that part of your mind that thinks too much, and believe that you are going to have a perfect, wonderful, healthy child." Tough to do, but great advice. I'm working on it.

Quote of the Day

Today's quote comes from my brother-in-law.

Me: I'm flying to San Diego to go to a meeting that will just be MUCH more effective in person.

Him: I find my meetings much more effective if I show up with a big stick and blood on my shirt.


Maybe it's just the day I've been having, but this so fit my mood! I think I would have gotten a lot more done if I had carried a big stick today!

Inspired by Fall

I love the changing seasons, specifically Spring and Fall. Those transitional seasons with crystal, crisp air seem like such a pleasant preparation for the harsher season to come. These two seasons are also the time when we typically transition our closets from one wardrobe to the other.

I've come to the conclusion that it's finally time to have a brutal clean out of my closet. After 4 yrs in the military and 3 different climates, my clothes are:

1-left over from college (Yikes...I left college 6 yrs ago! This is definitely the scariest category!)
2-way out of style (see number one)
3-ill fitting
4-too light for Chicago winters
5-what I think I will wear, but NOT what I go back to day-to-day (i.e. 15 button down shirts that I never have ironed and therefore never wear b/c they're too much work)

So, I've been inspired by the fabulous blog The Working Closet, specifically the post on Organizing Your Closet to finally get rid of the flotsam accumulated during the last few years. As DH is out of town this week, this may be the perfect opportunity to tackle the project and not have to worry about destroying our bedroom during the process. Plus, the weather is calling for highs in the seventies later this week, so I'm sincerely hopeful that fall is just around the corner.

Wish me luck!

Oh, and PS--if no one hears from me in the next few days-Send HELP! I've been eaten by my closet!

When Abuse "Hits" Home

Domestic Violence, Child Abuse, Assholes with an Anger problem.

Whatever label you put on it, I never thought of it as something that would happen in my family. I went home over the weekend and discovered that my one and only first cousin, an Autistic 17-yr old, was coming to live with his grandparents full time. At first, I was delighted. I knew my uncle had mourned his move to Colorado with his mom and step-dad, so my cousin living in the same town as us was going to be great for our side of the family.

But why was his mom giving him up?

Well, you see, his step-dad was beating the bee-jesus out of him. And apparently, the bastard is also beating my ex-aunt and the child they have together. And while I'm SO thankful that my cousin is out of harm's way I'm boggled at why she's still with this miserable man. Oh, and I forgot to mention that he's run them and my ex-aunt's sister (who has 2 types of incurable cancer) into bankruptcy, which means (you guessed it) he's been taking the child support my uncle can BARELY afford to send every month (he makes half of what my aunt makes, but had a crappy lawyer and got royally screwed on alimony and child support) and has been spending it on sports cars and other toys. Instead of, you know, on my cousin's welfare...oh that's right, he was beating him, so obviously my cousin's welfare wasn't high on his list of priorities.

I'm just stunned at the whole situation. I know any autistic child can be a challenge, and while I think that a good swat on the rear can be effective in getting a child's attention, I just can't imagine how unhinged a person has to be to beat all the other people in their family. And the fact that he is beating everyone else means that it isn't autistic challenges he's frustrated with and lashing out at...he's just a bully and an asshole and as far as I'm concerned, there isn't a hole deep enough for him.

Right back at you

Me: I love you.
DH: Right back at you.


My DH is a sweetheart, don't get me wrong. He's always telling me I'm cute or that he loves this and that about me and he's a total cuddle-bug, so he shows me that he loves me all the time. So why does it bother me so much that he won't say those 3 simple words. Why does "right back at you" irk me so bad?

And of course any conversation about this doesn't go so well. Because, like I said above, I know he loves me--so any complaining I want to do sounds so spoiled and childish in my head that it rarely ever gets voiced. But man! Every once in a while, those words just make me want to snarl. Am I making a big deal out of nothing?

And if it is a trivial thing, why can't he just say "I love you" if he knows it means so much to me? Maybe I tell him I love him too much? But that just seems stupid. Is it too much to say it roughly once a day? And if I feel like telling him I love him, why should I stop? He's my husband, for Heaven's sake!

It's such a nit-picky thing to get upset about...but that doesn't change the fact that I crave hearing "I love you" from his lips.

Mysterious Me

I had my annual with my "woman" doctor a couple of weeks ago. As DH and I are "talking about talking about" having kids sometime in the near term, I brought up a couple of concerns and questions. They were normal things like, When do I start taking prenatal vitamins? and How does it work for going off the pill? but I had one unique question for her and the answer has created some angst in my life and is the subject of this post.

Several years ago I found myself in the ER with terrible pain in my abdomen--diagnosis: a ruptured ovarian cyst. I was sent home on powerful painkillers and told to schedule a couple of ultrasounds to check things out...namely make sure there weren't more cysts or something worse. Well, went for the ultrasounds and good news was that there weren't any more cysts and nothing worse so pretty much a clean bill of health....until the technician said, "Huh."

Okay, "Huh" is never a great comment when someone is performing a medical test, right? Then she says, "Your uterus is heart shaped on the inside." My response, understandably, was "What?" She says "Well, the lining of your uterus dips down in the middle. It's not normal, but it happens. So, nothing to worry about." Great. Thanks for the pep talk. It was also an Air Force tech doing the scan, so I blew it off.

Until I met with my new doctor and asked about a heart shaped uterus and how that affects getting and staying pregnant. She scheduled me for a new ultrasound since we don't have the original films and sure enough...I have a bicornated uterus. And unfortunately it's a little bit more severe/important than I was originally led to believe.

My whole uterus is heart-shaped, not just the lining. So instead of looking like an upside-down pear, mine has 2 horns that connect at the bottom. Some women have such a severe separation that they have two completely independent uteruses (some even have 2 vaginas, 2 cervixes, everything!). Thankfully, my situation is not nearly that bad.

In theory, it shouldn't affect my chances of getting pregnant, but carries significant risks for pre-term labor. As a preemie myself and having dealt with the resulting health challenges of being premature, this freaks me out on a certain level. Apparently the pre-term labor happens due to the reduced amount of space the baby has to grow. So basically, my pregnancy will be termed high-risk from the start and I'll have a ton more appointments and I'll see a specialist instead of an OB for many of the visits.

How scary is that, to know that no matter what I do and how much I take care of myself, that it'll be a high-risk pregnancy? Part of me says, "Okay, well now I know and we'll just have to keep an eye on it, and cross any bridges when we get there." But then there's a part of me that's grieving and scared.

**Update** Well, as a little bit of time has past, I'm feeling better about things. There are tons of women who have this same condition and they didn't even find out about it until their 3rd baby and for whatever reason they have a c-section and the Dr is like "Whoa, look at that!" when they get in there. And most of their pregnancies went like clock-work, full-term, yada-yada.

So, I've decided not to worry about things until I get there, especially since we don't KNOW that I will have any problems. We know about the situation, so we can keep an eye on it when I do decide to get pregnant. Not much else I can do at this point.

Happy Birthday

Happy First Birthday to Nephew Garcon!

Wow. One whole year. It's gone by lightening fast for me, but it's stunning to think that it is the sum total of Garcon's existence. I've always loved kids, but Garcon is the first one I've ever been around to truly see him grow and get to know him. Plus he's the first one that I've ever been in a position to protect and I can totally understand the Momma-Bear analogy now--and I'm not even his mom!

It's exciting to think of what will happen in the next year. He's already walking, so I'm sure running, ball throwing, chasing the dog, swimming in Omi's pool, and first words are all in store. I can't wait to listen to him talk and watch him experience his world.

Deep Question for the First Day of Spring

Why don't people realize that they are supposed to snip the "x" shaped stitches that are on the back of coats with a split in them?

You know, like a trench coat or a long wool coat that has a walking vent in the back. The manufacturers whip stitch the bottom closed with those 2 stitches so that in hangs well in the store and doesn't get crumpled in transtit...but, hello, People! you're supposed to snip those when you take off the tags!

Ramblings of an unsure and tired mind

As my project winds down to a trickle, I have this nearly irrational fear of going back to the job I moved to Chicago for. In many ways it's just as unknown to me at the moment as it was back in August, when I shoved my cats into carriers under seats on an airplane and made the leap into civilian/corporate life.

I was actually offered a job yesterday to continue working with this group full-time, and it was a serious struggle in my mind to say no. I mean, at this point I know what I'm doing with this category, I know the players, the business strategy, etc., but am I happy doing it? Enh. Not really, especially knowing that this project will continue to be a disaster for the next year or so. Is that something I want to sign up for? But going back to my old job...the one I had just barely gotten my teeth sunk into...for some reason that makes my stomach flip in uneasiness. The good news is that by all indications my old team is really looking forward to my return and that there is already work on my desk waiting for me (insert very sarcastic "Great!" here). My boss has mentioned several times that she intends to rely heavily on me in the coming months...all those have to be good signs, right?

Why doesn't my success here, on this gruelling project, give me the confidence to go forth and conquer? Granted, I had a specific, defined task on this project and my old position is a bit nebulous. I'll be more like a regional manager, responsible for all activites within a certain arena. The scope is a whole lot bigger than the data analysis I've been doing, that's for sure, and the structure of who to go to for what is much less defined.

I hate not having a yardstick by which to gague my progress. Tell me what you want and I'll give you that plus some, but when I'm not sure what is needed I have a tendency to, well, procrastinate, surf the web, write blogs...you know, generally screw around. I wish I had a tighter reign on myself sometimes. I wish I'd found something to be driven about--something intrinsically rewarding about my job, versus responding to external deadlines and such.

The more I think about it, the more I'm really interested in becoming a Pilates instructor. I love Pilates and think it would be so rewarding to help people in that way. I need to find some time to actually work out a plan of how exactly I'm going to accomplish this and be successful, without putting us in over our heads at home.

It may end up being a several year project, but in this, I have faith in myself. I'm confident I'd make a good Pilates teacher and it makes me smile to think about it.

Do you think that should be my first clue about what I should be doing?

It's the little things in life

Today, my hubby shoveled 8 inches of snow, plus a 3 ft snowdrift in front of our garage, at 6:20 AM just so I could leave early for work.

I don't care if I get flowers, a card, or anything else for Valentine's Day! If I wasn't 100% sure that he loves me, I am now! He's a keeper!

New Year's Resolution

Ever since I was in college I've had these anxiety dreams where I have to go take a test and I never actually bought the book, or I had never gone to the class, and I don't even know where to go to take the test, but I know that I'm supposed to be there--prepared or not. Once I joined the military and went though basic training, the context of the anxiety dreams shifted to having to go back and redo Basic...knowing even in my dream that I had already successfully completed it.

Over the summer I had a dream where I had gotten a test back and discovered that I had aced it. I thought that signaled I was finally confident and knew what I was doing. That I was on the right path and could handle whatever came my way. I was sure that my anxiety dreams were over and I could sleep peacefully for the time being.

After I got put on this project at work and my stress level went through the roof, the dreams started creeping back in and then last night I hit a new low. I had my first anxiety dream about my new job and I've had enough.

So my goal for the new year is to let things affect me less. I'm not 100% sure what the solution is--more sleep? More booze? More exercise? But I'm certain that sleep and exercise will help. The trick will be finding the time for both activites, plus the time to get all my work done, but I'm committed to figuring out the right balance.

In fact balance is a better resolution for me to have. Balance between work and home. Balance between relaxing and exercise. Balance between nourishing my body and enjoying the occasional dessert. Balance between DH and myself.

So here's to a balanced 2007.

May she hold a lot less anxiety for us all!