Thursday, August 30, 2007

The Twilight of Waiting

I don’t think that this will come as any surprise to most of my friends who read this blog, but I do apologize to any of you who learn it first here…

I’m 5 wks pregnant.

And let me tell you, so far it’s been a strange couple of weeks. Of course I didn’t find out until 1 wk ago, but oh how much your mind-set can change in a week. I didn’t realize how out of control I’d feel and how fragile the state of pregnancy is. I’m so excited about this baby and I want to shout my great news from any and all near-by roof-tops, but I can’t yet.

I must do what I don’t do well at all: wait and relinquish control.

I have to wait for things to happen in their normal course. I have to wait 3 more weeks to go to the doctor. I have to wait 3 more weeks to confirm that I’m pregnant and get to see MY baby for the very first time. I have to wait 3 more weeks to know that my baby’s heart is beating. I feel like I’m holding my breath until then. But I know that the waiting thing is just getting started. I have to wait…to start showing—physical proof of why I’ve feeling the way I have…to feel the first movements—physical proof that the baby’s heart is still beating…to pass 34-36 weeks—to give Baby the best start in life…to have the baby.

And during all that waiting it’s already become clear to me that I have very little control over how all of this plays out. I’m used to deciding I want something and then working my hardest to make it happen flawlessly. This is something I want very badly, but the execution of it is not only out of my hands, but is also hidden from view. Oh, sure, I can exercise and eat balanced meals and sleep 8 hrs a night, but really…I have NO control over the development and health of the baby growing inside me. I didn’t truly grasp how immediately I’d feel the weight of responsibility for this child and feel powerless to protect it.

So anyway, here I am…waiting and doing a lot of deep breathing exercises.
Edited on 9/6--originally posted on 8/28.
Now I'm a little over 6 weeks and still going strong. Still doing a lot of deep breathing, but as far as I can tell, so far so good. As my good friend, Mamacita, said to me, "During this time you just have to close the pregnancy books, suspend that part of your mind that thinks too much, and believe that you are going to have a perfect, wonderful, healthy child." Tough to do, but great advice. I'm working on it.

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