Thursday, August 30, 2007

The Twilight of Waiting

I don’t think that this will come as any surprise to most of my friends who read this blog, but I do apologize to any of you who learn it first here…

I’m 5 wks pregnant.

And let me tell you, so far it’s been a strange couple of weeks. Of course I didn’t find out until 1 wk ago, but oh how much your mind-set can change in a week. I didn’t realize how out of control I’d feel and how fragile the state of pregnancy is. I’m so excited about this baby and I want to shout my great news from any and all near-by roof-tops, but I can’t yet.

I must do what I don’t do well at all: wait and relinquish control.

I have to wait for things to happen in their normal course. I have to wait 3 more weeks to go to the doctor. I have to wait 3 more weeks to confirm that I’m pregnant and get to see MY baby for the very first time. I have to wait 3 more weeks to know that my baby’s heart is beating. I feel like I’m holding my breath until then. But I know that the waiting thing is just getting started. I have to wait…to start showing—physical proof of why I’ve feeling the way I have…to feel the first movements—physical proof that the baby’s heart is still beating…to pass 34-36 weeks—to give Baby the best start in life…to have the baby.

And during all that waiting it’s already become clear to me that I have very little control over how all of this plays out. I’m used to deciding I want something and then working my hardest to make it happen flawlessly. This is something I want very badly, but the execution of it is not only out of my hands, but is also hidden from view. Oh, sure, I can exercise and eat balanced meals and sleep 8 hrs a night, but really…I have NO control over the development and health of the baby growing inside me. I didn’t truly grasp how immediately I’d feel the weight of responsibility for this child and feel powerless to protect it.

So anyway, here I am…waiting and doing a lot of deep breathing exercises.
Edited on 9/6--originally posted on 8/28.
Now I'm a little over 6 weeks and still going strong. Still doing a lot of deep breathing, but as far as I can tell, so far so good. As my good friend, Mamacita, said to me, "During this time you just have to close the pregnancy books, suspend that part of your mind that thinks too much, and believe that you are going to have a perfect, wonderful, healthy child." Tough to do, but great advice. I'm working on it.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Quote of the Day

Today's quote comes from my brother-in-law.

Me: I'm flying to San Diego to go to a meeting that will just be MUCH more effective in person.

Him: I find my meetings much more effective if I show up with a big stick and blood on my shirt.

Maybe it's just the day I've been having, but this so fit my mood! I think I would have gotten a lot more done if I had carried a big stick today!

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Inspired by Fall

I love the changing seasons, specifically Spring and Fall. Those transitional seasons with crystal, crisp air seem like such a pleasant preparation for the harsher season to come. These two seasons are also the time when we typically transition our closets from one wardrobe to the other.

I've come to the conclusion that it's finally time to have a brutal clean out of my closet. After 4 yrs in the military and 3 different climates, my clothes are:

1-left over from college (Yikes...I left college 6 yrs ago! This is definitely the scariest category!)
2-way out of style (see number one)
3-ill fitting
4-too light for Chicago winters
5-what I think I will wear, but NOT what I go back to day-to-day (i.e. 15 button down shirts that I never have ironed and therefore never wear b/c they're too much work)

So, I've been inspired by the fabulous blog The Working Closet, specifically the post on Organizing Your Closet to finally get rid of the flotsam accumulated during the last few years. As DH is out of town this week, this may be the perfect opportunity to tackle the project and not have to worry about destroying our bedroom during the process. Plus, the weather is calling for highs in the seventies later this week, so I'm sincerely hopeful that fall is just around the corner.

Wish me luck!

Oh, and PS--if no one hears from me in the next few days-Send HELP! I've been eaten by my closet!

Monday, August 13, 2007

When Abuse "Hits" Home

Domestic Violence, Child Abuse, Assholes with an Anger problem.

Whatever label you put on it, I never thought of it as something that would happen in my family. I went home over the weekend and discovered that my one and only first cousin, an Autistic 17-yr old, was coming to live with his grandparents full time. At first, I was delighted. I knew my uncle had mourned his move to Colorado with his mom and step-dad, so my cousin living in the same town as us was going to be great for our side of the family.

But why was his mom giving him up?

Well, you see, his step-dad was beating the bee-jesus out of him. And apparently, the bastard is also beating my ex-aunt and the child they have together. And while I'm SO thankful that my cousin is out of harm's way I'm boggled at why she's still with this miserable man. Oh, and I forgot to mention that he's run them and my ex-aunt's sister (who has 2 types of incurable cancer) into bankruptcy, which means (you guessed it) he's been taking the child support my uncle can BARELY afford to send every month (he makes half of what my aunt makes, but had a crappy lawyer and got royally screwed on alimony and child support) and has been spending it on sports cars and other toys. Instead of, you know, on my cousin's welfare...oh that's right, he was beating him, so obviously my cousin's welfare wasn't high on his list of priorities.

I'm just stunned at the whole situation. I know any autistic child can be a challenge, and while I think that a good swat on the rear can be effective in getting a child's attention, I just can't imagine how unhinged a person has to be to beat all the other people in their family. And the fact that he is beating everyone else means that it isn't autistic challenges he's frustrated with and lashing out at...he's just a bully and an asshole and as far as I'm concerned, there isn't a hole deep enough for him.

Friday, August 03, 2007

Right back at you

Me: I love you.
DH: Right back at you.

My DH is a sweetheart, don't get me wrong. He's always telling me I'm cute or that he loves this and that about me and he's a total cuddle-bug, so he shows me that he loves me all the time. So why does it bother me so much that he won't say those 3 simple words. Why does "right back at you" irk me so bad?

And of course any conversation about this doesn't go so well. Because, like I said above, I know he loves me--so any complaining I want to do sounds so spoiled and childish in my head that it rarely ever gets voiced. But man! Every once in a while, those words just make me want to snarl. Am I making a big deal out of nothing?

And if it is a trivial thing, why can't he just say "I love you" if he knows it means so much to me? Maybe I tell him I love him too much? But that just seems stupid. Is it too much to say it roughly once a day? And if I feel like telling him I love him, why should I stop? He's my husband, for Heaven's sake!

It's such a nit-picky thing to get upset about...but that doesn't change the fact that I crave hearing "I love you" from his lips.