Ramblings of an unsure and tired mind

As my project winds down to a trickle, I have this nearly irrational fear of going back to the job I moved to Chicago for. In many ways it's just as unknown to me at the moment as it was back in August, when I shoved my cats into carriers under seats on an airplane and made the leap into civilian/corporate life.

I was actually offered a job yesterday to continue working with this group full-time, and it was a serious struggle in my mind to say no. I mean, at this point I know what I'm doing with this category, I know the players, the business strategy, etc., but am I happy doing it? Enh. Not really, especially knowing that this project will continue to be a disaster for the next year or so. Is that something I want to sign up for? But going back to my old job...the one I had just barely gotten my teeth sunk into...for some reason that makes my stomach flip in uneasiness. The good news is that by all indications my old team is really looking forward to my return and that there is already work on my desk waiting for me (insert very sarcastic "Great!" here). My boss has mentioned several times that she intends to rely heavily on me in the coming months...all those have to be good signs, right?

Why doesn't my success here, on this gruelling project, give me the confidence to go forth and conquer? Granted, I had a specific, defined task on this project and my old position is a bit nebulous. I'll be more like a regional manager, responsible for all activites within a certain arena. The scope is a whole lot bigger than the data analysis I've been doing, that's for sure, and the structure of who to go to for what is much less defined.

I hate not having a yardstick by which to gague my progress. Tell me what you want and I'll give you that plus some, but when I'm not sure what is needed I have a tendency to, well, procrastinate, surf the web, write blogs...you know, generally screw around. I wish I had a tighter reign on myself sometimes. I wish I'd found something to be driven about--something intrinsically rewarding about my job, versus responding to external deadlines and such.

The more I think about it, the more I'm really interested in becoming a Pilates instructor. I love Pilates and think it would be so rewarding to help people in that way. I need to find some time to actually work out a plan of how exactly I'm going to accomplish this and be successful, without putting us in over our heads at home.

It may end up being a several year project, but in this, I have faith in myself. I'm confident I'd make a good Pilates teacher and it makes me smile to think about it.

Do you think that should be my first clue about what I should be doing?