Monday, October 30, 2006

Crisis of Will

Okay everyone, bear with me...I've been inspired by some of my friends and their blogs, so here we go. Hopefully I can find enough interesting things to write about...

So, for those of you who haven't traveled the last year with me, I've gone through quite a transition in these 12 months. Both my DH and I left the Air Force and found kick-ass jobs in the civilian world. This of course took months of effort, the help of a top notch recruiting firm (Thank you, Cameron-Brooks), and involved a serious relocation from the West Coast to the Midwest. I definitely found a "stretch" position with a huge, innovative, great company that so far I love.

Why then, after all this effort do I find myself questioning if I have it in me to work hard enough to succeed? It's not that I'm having a Crisis of Capability--I know that I can do the work. The question that keeps pestering me is do I have the ethics within me to actually do the work. You know, you hear all the time about someone who's simply driven to succeed. They work umpteen hours a week and live and breathe for their jobs and they are very, very successful at what they do.

Is there anything wrong with being on the flip side of that coin?

I have to admit, on days like today which included a 3-hr meeting from Hades at the end of an 11hr day, all I want is some serious work-life balance. I want to work my 40-hrs and then go home. I don't want to be working on weekends or at 10:54pm (current time--just finished working). I suppose the problem is that I'd love to be highly compensated for all that "balance." Am I missing some critical gene that would have ultimately made me successful in business? I don't know. I know some people are born to work and others have no desire to do anything besides raise their children. I'm so jealous that they've figured it out for themselves, but where does that leave the rest of us who haven't gotten the neon sign from the Universe yet?

Stuck with a crisis of will, apparently.


Jdub said...

you sound like 'civil service' material :) That's supposed to be funny. No worries. Just cause you don't FEEL like working your life away doesn't make you defective. It actually makes you normal! Those people who are 'driven to succeed' usually have poor social/home lives. You have a wonderful marriage, a beautiful home, and some pretty cute pets. Wanting to balance those things isn't a crisis of will, it's a focus of heart.

Honig said...

Thanks, Jen. I like the thought that's i's a focus of the heart. =) You always make me smile!

Mamacita! said...

I've definitely felt this way in the past. It hit me big-time around 25, but leveled off once I got a promotion and raise.
I used to be a drop-the-hammer, accelerate kind of worker, in love with my job, but that's changed over time. Now I find I'm better when I string my bursts of energy together into an almost smooth performance.

It's tough to hang in there sometimes, but I will tell you the view from this side of the mommy-life-change is way different than over there, pre-mommy. If you can, ride out that melancholy and try to push through for the next couple years. People do look at you and your aspirations differently once you decide go for a life change. So influence them, dazzle them while you can, and get the next promotion, raise, whatever. Having additional clout at or beyond your level will make any potential changes much easier.

Bottom line, I think you're just normal. Jen's right. But do pack snacks in your desk. Especially graham crackers and chocolate. They make the stupid long days feel like a campout. ;)

C-Fun said...

You are so normal!! I have these exact same feelings every day. On Monday's it doesn't feel so bad but by Thursday or Friday I'm "screaming" for some free time when I don't feel like I've been run over by a truck and actually have the energy to do something fun. The best advice I can give is set some personal boundries, decide what you are willing to do and what you aren't and stick to them, make time for yourself and make time for your DH. I'm beginning to wonder if we didn't have it made in the AF????