Savoir vivre

File this one under: Unexpected Life Changes

2009-03-06T09:28:00.002-06:00

For a long time we were happy DINKs...you know, Double-Income-No-Kids. We took trips, I bought shoes, DH bought a lovely but completely impractical sports car and we saved. Every month we saved. Mostly we saved so that we could purchase the above mentioned luxuries, but we also kept some back as a “nest egg” or emergency fund.

Then we moved to Chicago and bought a house about a month before the market really started to slump (read: we owe more now than the house is worth—not by much, but enough to piss me off). Things were good though, even with a crushing mortgage payment. We took a couple more trips, I bought some more shoes and a Coach purse or three, and then we decided to start our family. So the saving went into high gear and I tried to curtail the shopping a bit. We saved enough to pay for all our medical expenses and for me to take 6 wks unpaid leave with only minimal expenses on the credit card.

Since then, between the mortgage (still crushing) and the daycare (more than the mortgage on my first house 6 yrs ago!) we’ve struggled to save—to adjust our discretionary spending to accommodate the addition of daycare and diapers and formula. We kept up the wine club, the dinners out, Christmas gifts, and um, maybe some new shoes, too. We still put a little bit away every month, but not as much as we had been.

Since I came back to work 7 short months ago, the economy started its tight spiral into the shitter. Both my company and DH’s started to have round after round of layoffs and we started to really take a look at our spending. But we’re both high performers at work and have both been promoted recently—DH as recently as January—so we felt pretty safe. And so there were still talks of trips, of landscaping projects, of remodeling projects for this summer. In fact, 2 wks ago I was planning a 3 day get-away to Vegas for the two of us, ditching (I mean, tearfully leaving) DS at his Omi and Opa’s house.

Well, it’s all on hold now. Everything is on hold and I’m trying hard not to scream inside my head, because one week ago DH was laid off. His company let a third of Chicago office go and gave him 2 days notice. Called him in on Thursday and said we need you to bring everything back in (laptop, etc.) on Monday and Good Luck.

Shit.

I’m so, so thankful that, literally one week prior to this, I called and got things rolling on a mortgage refinance which will save us $400/month. Needless to say we’re keeping our mouths shut until we sign the new loan papers. And thank God, this allows us to skip a mortgage payment. Now, everything I look at is calculated in terms of how many months can we pay the mortgage, car payment, and keep the Carpet Monkey in daycare (because in order to find a job, DH must be free to LOOK for a job, so CM stays in daycare).

Needless to say, we’ve really dialed back the spending. Things that were total luxuries all got cancelled on Tuesday. We made a list of the nice-to-haves we aren’t quite ready to give up, but which are next on the ax-list, depending on how long DH’s unemployment stretches out. I nearly had an anxiety attack on Wednesday when a coworker asked me to join him for lunch to Subway and I had to spend $5.46 on lunch.

I keep telling myself, we’re NOT poor. I have a good job, with a great salary and for the moment I don’t think I’m in danger of losing my job. (Of course, I need to wrap up this blog post and get back to it, but hopefully I’ll be able to focus better once all this is out of my system. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.) My salary will cover the mortgage and the daycare, by far our two biggest expenses, and we have enough savings to get us through several months of the rest of our living expenses.

My biggest battle right now is with fear. I struggle to banish thoughts of food stamps and my beautiful baby boy running around smeared with dirt and diaper-less and ratty clothes and…Desperation. Hunger. Bankruptcy. Foreclosure. These are the demons that tug at me, and we are so not there yet. Not even close. But unbidden images of hobos and lines outside soup kitchens from the Great Depression try to sneak into my brain and it takes a conscious effort to kick them the hell out.

I called my grandmother right after I found out and she prayed with me about it all. It’s the first time I’ve really prayed in a long, long time. But it felt good and I’ve kept it up this past week. We talked about how paralyzing fear can be, and what a giant energy drainer it is. So for right now, that’s my focus—keeping fear at bay.

Fear has no place in my life, in my family, in my home.

Please keep us in your prayers. We just need the right opportunity to open up for DH, and for it to not take too long to appear. Please also pray for an easy adjustment to our new, frugal way of life. It’s a good lesson to learn, regardless, so I’m trying very hard to simply embrace it and welcome the changes as they come.

Her Bad Mother: Hold The Mustard

2008-10-21T11:06:00.000-05:00

Oh my God, oh my god. Please read this post and at least skim the comments.

Funniest.

*shit.*

Ever.

Her Bad Mother: Hold The Mustard: "http://tinyurl.com/5hhu97"

Before you...

2008-04-08T09:38:00.005-05:00

Before you were conceived
I wanted you

Before you were born
I loved you

Before you were here an hour
I would give my life for you

This is the miracle of life.

~ Maureen Hawkins

Beyond Annoyed

2008-03-11T09:04:00.003-05:00

I have enjoyed being pregnant. Really I have. I didn't get sick. I haven't been bitchy or overly hormonal (I think I've only cried maybe a handful of times so far). I have minimal swelling in my hands and feet. I've gained weight, but in all the places baby's need, like my "girls" and belly, while keeping a somewhat trim side-waist. I had to switch to flats early on, which I don't love as much as my heels, but at least they're somewhat in style.

I've even thought that most of the maternity clothes I've seen have been somewhat cute and comfortable...until now. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm in the home stretch with only 7 wks to go. Or maybe it's the fact that I'm really getting a large belly and it is, well, awkward, but I am seriously getting annoyed with my wardrobe.

My belly is big enough that it's pushing my pants down to the point where 1) I have to hike them back up b/c they're falling off my ass and 2) now I have a nice exposed strip of skin on the underside of my belly where my shirts no longer meet my pants. And with only 7 wks left...who the heck wants to buy more clothes? But I HAVE to have more than 2 tops and roughly 1.5 pair of pants for work and that's about all I have right now. Even all the tee-shirts that I might consider wearing to work (which I hate to do since I don't work in a tee kinda place) are too damn short! So I'd just be tugging on them to pull them down at the same time I'm yanking my damn pants back up. I swear I'm going to install snaps on everything and hook my tops to my bottoms.

So, in light of the fact that I nearly burst into one of those rare fits of tears today while standing in my closet, I guess I'm going to go shopping over lunch and try to find another top or two to wear. If spring ever frigging comes here in Chicago I have 2 knit skirts and 2 dresses I can wear, but seeing as how it was only 22 degrees this morning...I have to have something to literally cover me for the next couple of weeks while the heavy sweaters I was wearing are either too hot or too small and before I can handle bare legs.

Man a bad clothes day can ruin a person's outlook. Harrumph.

Division of Labor--what's equal? what's fair?

2008-01-28T15:54:00.000-06:00

Mary Anne over at Chicago Mom's Blog posted about if her husband should do more housework and I think it's a question worth exploring. In her post she describes how this distribution of labor has evolved over time--relatively easy and equal at the beginning in a one-bedroom apartment to their current situation, where they have a little one and now she does 10-20 hrs more a week on household chores & errands.

I have already started to see a little bit of this creeping into our (DH & me) dynamic, so given our upcoming first baby I'm interested in figuring this out...fast. Where I really notice it is on days I work from home (about once a week) and the days when DH works from home. Somehow when I'm at home all day, not only am I working, but I also typically manage to get a load or three through the wash, empty/load the dishwasher, and do a little bit of general straightening. When DH works from home it looks as if the house has been hit by a tornado of epic proportions. Hmmm...what's going on here? For the most part, though, I have little to complain about--we both work full-time outside the home and so we both pitch in around the house and we have a cleaning service 2x/month. Plus, I will be returning to work 3mos after having Little Bit, so we won't have the SAHM issue to add to this one. So I may be worrying unnecessarily (wouldn't be the first time...).

But, getting back to Mary Anne's blog...while I agree that the division of labor should be fair, not necessarily equal, she says a couple of things that stuck with me and made me think:

"...[he] really truly does not want to take on half of those extra hours of housework. He's already feeling pretty strapped for time and frayed. And given his resistance, even though it might be more fair to have him take on half, I think if I pushed him on that seriously, it would make life truly miserable for both of us. ..."
Now I realize that I'm not in her relationship, but what bothers me here is that it's easier for her to do 20 hrs of housework than have to deal with any attitude she'd get by pushing for a different solution. It bothers me, because I know I've used this same reasoning before on smaller tasks. Why do we let our mate's stubbornness and happiness determine how many extra tasks we take on ourselves?
"And it's not that he isn't helpful. If I ask him...'can you fold these towels and put them away?' he'll do it. But there's a problem with that dynamic, because it means that on some level in both our heads, it registers as him doing me a favor, every time I ask him to help out with a task. Which both he and I end up quietly resenting just a little bit. Rather than it just being part of his share of the household labor."

Oh, how I know what she's talking about. It feels like I'm asking a huge favor every time I "remind" DH to grab the trash on his way out to the garage or to take care of the litter box I'm forbidden to touch while pregnant. I end of feeling like I'm imposing on his time, even though these are things that we've pretty much agreed are his chores. What's a good solution for this? I feel like 2 adults shouldn't need a chore list like my mom put up when I was 10 to check off our to-dos. But if he doesn't or won't remember/notice that it's time again to do these things and I do...what are my other options besides reminding or asking him to do it? Why do I feel bad about reminding him, when I know he doesn't hesitate to mention that he's running out of black socks--thereby implying that I need to do a load of laundry. Do you think he worries about it feeling like he's asking me for a favor?

"In the end, we decided to make two changes...We'll see how it goes. I'm guessing he'll forget the sink on occasional nights, which is not a big deal. What's less clear is how much of a burden this will feel like to him -- how much of his work/personal time it seems like it's stealing away. Hopefully, not so much."
This ties into my last thoughts just above this quote...why are we so caught up in worrying about the burden sharing household work places on our husbands? Regardless of the work/SAHM situation, running the house affects the entire family and should therefore be shouldered by all those who are able to help--from kids who go to school and have homework to moms and dads who work all day. But I see a lot of us having the same worry Mary Anne does "Hopefully this won't make whoever unhappy to do a little bit more, so that Mom doesn't have to do it all." Why do we believe it's 1) our responsibility to do it all and 2) our fault if they feel a little bit inconvenienced by chipping in? How do we change this interaction to one that's healthier for everyone involved? I'm seriously looking for answers here, so please chime in!

"As a final note, I should say that I think Kevin does far more than many men I know -- he should get some credit for that. He does ten times more than either his father or mine did..."

For my last point, I want to say Yes, I do believe that most men today do more than their fathers did. And I believe my DH does more than some of his peers, as well. I think the point here is not what each mate does in comparison to others, historical or contemporary, but that each set of partners needs to find their own balance where they both feel like the division of labor is fair--not necessarily equal. Both people should feel like their contributions are noticed and appreciated and both should be concerned with the burdens of the other and open to constantly adjusting the balance. Where I worry is when the concern is all one-sided, which typically means the guilt is all one-sided as well.

In closing, again, please chime in. I'm really interested in knowing who has dealt with this already and what has/hasn't worked for you.

Wow...it's been a while

2008-01-27T14:04:00.000-06:00

Whoa. I knew it had been a long time since I last wrote here...but, dang! I didn't realize that is was approximately 19 weeks ago!

So, update on the pregnancy...I'm 27 wks along and still everything is pretty much going exactly as it is supposed to, which is a HUGE relief. I switched doctors offices at my 20 wk appointment to a practice that is about 20 miles closer to home than the one I started with. The first one was perfect for work, but as I work from home more often--which is such a blessing--I just can't justify driving 25 miles one way for a 10 minute dr's appt. So, I switched and so far so good. I like the doctors and the hospital is about 5 minutes from my front door, so I'm pretty happy with the decision.

We're having a little boy, whom we've decided to name Marcus. I'm just starting my third trimester and I'm getting really anxious to meet my baby boy...and to feel like I'm in control of my body again...and to, well, just get on with this next phase of my life. We've started construction on the room formerly known as our office, now known as the nursery. DH and his brother repaired a wall yesterday to dampen noise from the bathroom and we picked out paint colors.

I can't wait to get all this big stuff done, because I'm very excited to start "fluffing the nest." I had my first baby shower last weekend at my mom and dad's house (details of this visit with my family deserve their own post, so I will do that later). A lot of my friends who go back as far as first grade where there (holy crap...that's 23 years I've known those girls!) and it was so nice to see people I hadn't connected with for years. My sister-in-law, Mamacita, is generously having another shower for me in a couple of weeks and it is terribly hard to wait until after that shower to go and buy things. Now that I have some of it, I want to...well...buy the rest of it! Plus, getting the nursery ready is something I can do, something I have control over during a time I have precious little I can actually consciously impact. It makes me feel less frantic and that's a good thing.

Other than that, I've come down with my first cold since finding out I was pregnant and it's rough. The cough is one that vibrates behind my breast-bone and is violent enough that it squeezes my poor little one--which makes him unhappy and results in kicking and thrashing. Plus this whole "can't take any medicine" thing is the worst. Cross your fingers with me that it has a very short duration.

Update on the littlest one

2007-09-24T14:35:00.000-05:00

Well, there was relief to be had last week during my first dr's appointment on several levels.

1) My bicornate uterus is more than likely a septate uterus--which is more heart-shaped as opposed to 2 seperate "horns." This is a good thing because it means that the baby will have more room to grow and the risk of complications drops a little bit. Yea!

2) EVERYTHING looks text-book PERFECT so far on the ultrasound. Little bit is 1.2 cm long, has a perfect heart rate, little nubs for arms and legs, a big lap pool to laze around in (for the time being!), and so far is plenty busy growing!!!

So, that being said, I'm not quite as tired as I was a couple of weeks ago, but the morning sickness has kicked in enough that I'm uncomfortable to nearly actually getting sick depending on the day. I'm 9 wks along now, so hopefully that will lessen over the next couple of weeks as I approach my Second Trimester! It's still completely unreal that I'm going to be someone's Mom. Very cool, but totally unreal.

Oh! And my due date is 29 April 2008! Yea for spring babies!!

The Twilight of Waiting

2007-08-30T13:09:00.000-05:00

I don’t think that this will come as any surprise to most of my friends who read this blog, but I do apologize to any of you who learn it first here…

I’m 5 wks pregnant.

And let me tell you, so far it’s been a strange couple of weeks. Of course I didn’t find out until 1 wk ago, but oh how much your mind-set can change in a week. I didn’t realize how out of control I’d feel and how fragile the state of pregnancy is. I’m so excited about this baby and I want to shout my great news from any and all near-by roof-tops, but I can’t yet.

I must do what I don’t do well at all: wait and relinquish control.

I have to wait for things to happen in their normal course. I have to wait 3 more weeks to go to the doctor. I have to wait 3 more weeks to confirm that I’m pregnant and get to see MY baby for the very first time. I have to wait 3 more weeks to know that my baby’s heart is beating. I feel like I’m holding my breath until then. But I know that the waiting thing is just getting started. I have to wait…to start showing—physical proof of why I’ve feeling the way I have…to feel the first movements—physical proof that the baby’s heart is still beating…to pass 34-36 weeks—to give Baby the best start in life…to have the baby.

And during all that waiting it’s already become clear to me that I have very little control over how all of this plays out. I’m used to deciding I want something and then working my hardest to make it happen flawlessly. This is something I want very badly, but the execution of it is not only out of my hands, but is also hidden from view. Oh, sure, I can exercise and eat balanced meals and sleep 8 hrs a night, but really…I have NO control over the development and health of the baby growing inside me. I didn’t truly grasp how immediately I’d feel the weight of responsibility for this child and feel powerless to protect it.

So anyway, here I am…waiting and doing a lot of deep breathing exercises.

Edited on 9/6--originally posted on 8/28.

Now I'm a little over 6 weeks and still going strong. Still doing a lot of deep breathing, but as far as I can tell, so far so good. As my good friend, Mamacita, said to me, "During this time you just have to close the pregnancy books, suspend that part of your mind that thinks too much, and believe that you are going to have a perfect, wonderful, healthy child." Tough to do, but great advice. I'm working on it.

Quote of the Day

2007-08-16T16:16:00.000-05:00

Today's quote comes from my brother-in-law.

Me: I'm flying to San Diego to go to a meeting that will just be MUCH more effective in person.

Him: I find my meetings much more effective if I show up with a big stick and blood on my shirt.

Maybe it's just the day I've been having, but this so fit my mood! I think I would have gotten a lot more done if I had carried a big stick today!

Inspired by Fall

2007-08-14T13:00:00.000-05:00

I love the changing seasons, specifically Spring and Fall. Those transitional seasons with crystal, crisp air seem like such a pleasant preparation for the harsher season to come. These two seasons are also the time when we typically transition our closets from one wardrobe to the other.

I've come to the conclusion that it's finally time to have a brutal clean out of my closet. After 4 yrs in the military and 3 different climates, my clothes are:

1-left over from college (Yikes...I left college 6 yrs ago! This is definitely the scariest category!)
2-way out of style (see number one)
3-ill fitting
4-too light for Chicago winters
5-what I think I will wear, but NOT what I go back to day-to-day (i.e. 15 button down shirts that I never have ironed and therefore never wear b/c they're too much work)

So, I've been inspired by the fabulous blog The Working Closet, specifically the post on Organizing Your Closet to finally get rid of the flotsam accumulated during the last few years. As DH is out of town this week, this may be the perfect opportunity to tackle the project and not have to worry about destroying our bedroom during the process. Plus, the weather is calling for highs in the seventies later this week, so I'm sincerely hopeful that fall is just around the corner.

Wish me luck!

Oh, and PS--if no one hears from me in the next few days-Send HELP! I've been eaten by my closet!

When Abuse "Hits" Home

2007-08-13T15:25:00.000-05:00

Domestic Violence, Child Abuse, Assholes with an Anger problem.

Whatever label you put on it, I never thought of it as something that would happen in my family. I went home over the weekend and discovered that my one and only first cousin, an Autistic 17-yr old, was coming to live with his grandparents full time. At first, I was delighted. I knew my uncle had mourned his move to Colorado with his mom and step-dad, so my cousin living in the same town as us was going to be great for our side of the family.

But why was his mom giving him up?

Well, you see, his step-dad was beating the bee-jesus out of him. And apparently, the bastard is also beating my ex-aunt and the child they have together. And while I'm SO thankful that my cousin is out of harm's way I'm boggled at why she's still with this miserable man. Oh, and I forgot to mention that he's run them and my ex-aunt's sister (who has 2 types of incurable cancer) into bankruptcy, which means (you guessed it) he's been taking the child support my uncle can BARELY afford to send every month (he makes half of what my aunt makes, but had a crappy lawyer and got royally screwed on alimony and child support) and has been spending it on sports cars and other toys. Instead of, you know, on my cousin's welfare...oh that's right, he was beating him, so obviously my cousin's welfare wasn't high on his list of priorities.

I'm just stunned at the whole situation. I know any autistic child can be a challenge, and while I think that a good swat on the rear can be effective in getting a child's attention, I just can't imagine how unhinged a person has to be to beat all the other people in their family. And the fact that he is beating everyone else means that it isn't autistic challenges he's frustrated with and lashing out at...he's just a bully and an asshole and as far as I'm concerned, there isn't a hole deep enough for him.

Right back at you

2007-08-03T12:08:00.000-05:00

Me: I love you.
DH: Right back at you.

My DH is a sweetheart, don't get me wrong. He's always telling me I'm cute or that he loves this and that about me and he's a total cuddle-bug, so he shows me that he loves me all the time. So why does it bother me so much that he won't say those 3 simple words. Why does "right back at you" irk me so bad?

And of course any conversation about this doesn't go so well. Because, like I said above, I know he loves me--so any complaining I want to do sounds so spoiled and childish in my head that it rarely ever gets voiced. But man! Every once in a while, those words just make me want to snarl. Am I making a big deal out of nothing?

And if it is a trivial thing, why can't he just say "I love you" if he knows it means so much to me? Maybe I tell him I love him too much? But that just seems stupid. Is it too much to say it roughly once a day? And if I feel like telling him I love him, why should I stop? He's my husband, for Heaven's sake!

It's such a nit-picky thing to get upset about...but that doesn't change the fact that I crave hearing "I love you" from his lips.

Mysterious Me

2007-06-22T16:05:00.000-05:00

I had my annual with my "woman" doctor a couple of weeks ago. As DH and I are "talking about talking about" having kids sometime in the near term, I brought up a couple of concerns and questions. They were normal things like, When do I start taking prenatal vitamins? and How does it work for going off the pill? but I had one unique question for her and the answer has created some angst in my life and is the subject of this post.

Several years ago I found myself in the ER with terrible pain in my abdomen--diagnosis: a ruptured ovarian cyst. I was sent home on powerful painkillers and told to schedule a couple of ultrasounds to check things out...namely make sure there weren't more cysts or something worse. Well, went for the ultrasounds and good news was that there weren't any more cysts and nothing worse so pretty much a clean bill of health....until the technician said, "Huh."

Okay, "Huh" is never a great comment when someone is performing a medical test, right? Then she says, "Your uterus is heart shaped on the inside." My response, understandably, was "What?" She says "Well, the lining of your uterus dips down in the middle. It's not normal, but it happens. So, nothing to worry about." Great. Thanks for the pep talk. It was also an Air Force tech doing the scan, so I blew it off.

Until I met with my new doctor and asked about a heart shaped uterus and how that affects getting and staying pregnant. She scheduled me for a new ultrasound since we don't have the original films and sure enough...I have a bicornated uterus. And unfortunately it's a little bit more severe/important than I was originally led to believe.

My whole uterus is heart-shaped, not just the lining. So instead of looking like an upside-down pear, mine has 2 horns that connect at the bottom. Some women have such a severe separation that they have two completely independent uteruses (some even have 2 vaginas, 2 cervixes, everything!). Thankfully, my situation is not nearly that bad.

In theory, it shouldn't affect my chances of getting pregnant, but carries significant risks for pre-term labor. As a preemie myself and having dealt with the resulting health challenges of being premature, this freaks me out on a certain level. Apparently the pre-term labor happens due to the reduced amount of space the baby has to grow. So basically, my pregnancy will be termed high-risk from the start and I'll have a ton more appointments and I'll see a specialist instead of an OB for many of the visits.

How scary is that, to know that no matter what I do and how much I take care of myself, that it'll be a high-risk pregnancy? Part of me says, "Okay, well now I know and we'll just have to keep an eye on it, and cross any bridges when we get there." But then there's a part of me that's grieving and scared.

**Update** Well, as a little bit of time has past, I'm feeling better about things. There are tons of women who have this same condition and they didn't even find out about it until their 3rd baby and for whatever reason they have a c-section and the Dr is like "Whoa, look at that!" when they get in there. And most of their pregnancies went like clock-work, full-term, yada-yada.

So, I've decided not to worry about things until I get there, especially since we don't KNOW that I will have any problems. We know about the situation, so we can keep an eye on it when I do decide to get pregnant. Not much else I can do at this point.

Happy Birthday

2007-04-04T09:54:00.000-05:00

Happy First Birthday to Nephew Garcon!

Wow. One whole year. It's gone by lightening fast for me, but it's stunning to think that it is the sum total of Garcon's existence. I've always loved kids, but Garcon is the first one I've ever been around to truly see him grow and get to know him. Plus he's the first one that I've ever been in a position to protect and I can totally understand the Momma-Bear analogy now--and I'm not even his mom!

It's exciting to think of what will happen in the next year. He's already walking, so I'm sure running, ball throwing, chasing the dog, swimming in Omi's pool, and first words are all in store. I can't wait to listen to him talk and watch him experience his world.

Deep Question for the First Day of Spring

2007-03-21T09:28:00.000-05:00

Why don't people realize that they are supposed to snip the "x" shaped stitches that are on the back of coats with a split in them?

You know, like a trench coat or a long wool coat that has a walking vent in the back. The manufacturers whip stitch the bottom closed with those 2 stitches so that in hangs well in the store and doesn't get crumpled in transtit...but, hello, People! you're supposed to snip those when you take off the tags!

Ramblings of an unsure and tired mind

2007-02-21T13:37:00.000-06:00

As my project winds down to a trickle, I have this nearly irrational fear of going back to the job I moved to Chicago for. In many ways it's just as unknown to me at the moment as it was back in August, when I shoved my cats into carriers under seats on an airplane and made the leap into civilian/corporate life.

I was actually offered a job yesterday to continue working with this group full-time, and it was a serious struggle in my mind to say no. I mean, at this point I know what I'm doing with this category, I know the players, the business strategy, etc., but am I happy doing it? Enh. Not really, especially knowing that this project will continue to be a disaster for the next year or so. Is that something I want to sign up for? But going back to my old job...the one I had just barely gotten my teeth sunk into...for some reason that makes my stomach flip in uneasiness. The good news is that by all indications my old team is really looking forward to my return and that there is already work on my desk waiting for me (insert very sarcastic "Great!" here). My boss has mentioned several times that she intends to rely heavily on me in the coming months...all those have to be good signs, right?

Why doesn't my success here, on this gruelling project, give me the confidence to go forth and conquer? Granted, I had a specific, defined task on this project and my old position is a bit nebulous. I'll be more like a regional manager, responsible for all activites within a certain arena. The scope is a whole lot bigger than the data analysis I've been doing, that's for sure, and the structure of who to go to for what is much less defined.

I hate not having a yardstick by which to gague my progress. Tell me what you want and I'll give you that plus some, but when I'm not sure what is needed I have a tendency to, well, procrastinate, surf the web, write blogs...you know, generally screw around. I wish I had a tighter reign on myself sometimes. I wish I'd found something to be driven about--something intrinsically rewarding about my job, versus responding to external deadlines and such.

The more I think about it, the more I'm really interested in becoming a Pilates instructor. I love Pilates and think it would be so rewarding to help people in that way. I need to find some time to actually work out a plan of how exactly I'm going to accomplish this and be successful, without putting us in over our heads at home.

It may end up being a several year project, but in this, I have faith in myself. I'm confident I'd make a good Pilates teacher and it makes me smile to think about it.

Do you think that should be my first clue about what I should be doing?

It's the little things in life

2007-02-14T14:42:00.000-06:00

Today, my hubby shoveled 8 inches of snow, plus a 3 ft snowdrift in front of our garage, at 6:20 AM just so I could leave early for work.

I don't care if I get flowers, a card, or anything else for Valentine's Day! If I wasn't 100% sure that he loves me, I am now! He's a keeper!

New Year's Resolution

2007-01-02T07:59:00.000-06:00

Ever since I was in college I've had these anxiety dreams where I have to go take a test and I never actually bought the book, or I had never gone to the class, and I don't even know where to go to take the test, but I know that I'm supposed to be there--prepared or not. Once I joined the military and went though basic training, the context of the anxiety dreams shifted to having to go back and redo Basic...knowing even in my dream that I had already successfully completed it.

Over the summer I had a dream where I had gotten a test back and discovered that I had aced it. I thought that signaled I was finally confident and knew what I was doing. That I was on the right path and could handle whatever came my way. I was sure that my anxiety dreams were over and I could sleep peacefully for the time being.

After I got put on this project at work and my stress level went through the roof, the dreams started creeping back in and then last night I hit a new low. I had my first anxiety dream about my new job and I've had enough.

So my goal for the new year is to let things affect me less. I'm not 100% sure what the solution is--more sleep? More booze? More exercise? But I'm certain that sleep and exercise will help. The trick will be finding the time for both activites, plus the time to get all my work done, but I'm committed to figuring out the right balance.

In fact balance is a better resolution for me to have. Balance between work and home. Balance between relaxing and exercise. Balance between nourishing my body and enjoying the occasional dessert. Balance between DH and myself.

So here's to a balanced 2007.

May she hold a lot less anxiety for us all!

Family Burdens

2006-12-14T15:02:00.000-06:00

For most of my life, my dad has been a special event and gift giving idiot.

For Christmas he would always drag me out on Christmas Eve to find something for my mom, hours before the family was supposed to show up for our celebrations. Then there were the years that my parents decided not to get each other anything, but my mom always made sure to get him some snacks and a couple of his favorite magazines. Dad always took their deal at face value and so my mom never got anything. Then there are the many, many birthdays and anniversaries that he flat out forgot.

Regardless of who was right or wrong in any of these situations, Mom ended up feeling sad and neglected. Over the years I began to email or call my dad a few days before a big event to remind him that it was coming up and encourage him to pay attention to it. In fact I just sent the "Remember your anniversary" email today. And for those that I forgot to remind him about, inevitably I would call my mom to wish her a happy whatever and she'd be melancholy b/c my dad didn't do anything.

I don't know how it happened, but all of a sudden I feel responsible for this reminder and consequently guilty if I forget. How did I end up in this position, squarely between my parents? I don't know where exactly it comes from. Perhaps from the very close relationship I have with my mom and that I would do anything I could to make her happy. Or maybe I'm just too damn meddlesome and I should keep my nose out of other people's relationships. I don't know the why of the situation, but I know that it sucks to feel like I could have done something when he has disappointed her again.

How do I extract myself from this loop?

Inefficiency Stinks

2006-11-30T15:10:00.000-06:00

Few things are worse than a meeting where no one is "in control" of it. So the discussion barrels off on its own course and hours are spent talking, but nothing gets done. The people who are technically senior or in charge don't or won't step in and with a lack of guidance then everyone feels the need to give their opinion. Which of course only makes the meeting longer and more excruciating for those of us who are itching to jump in, make decisions and move things along, but can't because it is not our meeting nor our place to do so.

Lately there are more and more days where I wonder if I seriously wouldn't be happier being a Pilates instructor. At least then I'd be working long hours to help someone's health, not 80 hrs a week to save some huge company a buck or two.

Plus then I'd be the boss of me and could run my own (efficient) meetings.

A pretty decent quiz

2006-11-16T19:58:00.000-06:00

I've thankfully had a bit of downtime today, so I was catchin' up on my friend Beth's blog on MySpace and she posted this quiz by Dr. Phil "allegedly". =) I thought it was pretty darn accurate, so here it is. PS--I got a 36.

Dr. Phil's Test: Here you go. Try this!

Below is Dr. Phil's test. (Dr. Phil scored 55; he did this test onOprah -she got a 38. Some folks pay a lot of money to find this stuffout! Don 't be overly sensitive!

The following is pretty accurate and it only takes 2 minutes. Take this test for yourself and post it.The person who post this placed their score in the subject box.Please do the same when posting.Don 't peek, but begin the test as you scroll down and answer.

This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees.

It's only 10 Simple questions, so grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers to each question.

Ready??Begin.

1. When do you feel your best?
a) in the morning
b) during the afternoon early evening
c) late at night

2. You usually walk...
a) fairly fast, with long steps
b) fairly fast, with little steps
c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
d) less fast, head down
e) very slowly

3. When talking to people you...
a) stand with your arms folded
b) have your hands clasped
c) have one or both your hands on your hips
d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

4. When relaxing, you sit with...
a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
b) your legs crossed
c) your legs stretched out or straight
d) one leg curled under you

5. When something really amuses you, you react with...
a) big appreciated laugh
b) a laugh, but not a loud one
c) a quiet chuckle
d) a sheepish smile

6. When you go to a party or social gathering you...
a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed

7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and youreinterrupted...
a) welcome the break
b) feel extremely irritated
c) vary between these two extremes

8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
a) Red or orange
b) black
c) yellow or light blue
d) green
e) dark blue or purple
f) white
g) brown or gray

9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are...
a) stretched out on your back
b) stretched out face down on your stomach
c) on your side, slightly curled
d) with your head on one arm
e) with your head under the covers

10. You often dream that you are...
a) falling
b) fighting or struggling
c) searching for something or somebody
d) flying or floating
e) you usually have dreamless sleep
f) your dreams are always pleasant

POINTS:
1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1

Now add up the total number of points.
OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should "handle with care." You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile,rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful&practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone whos extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken.

21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is causedpartly by your careful nature.

UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that dont exist. Some people thinkyou're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.

Quelle suprise!

2006-11-14T15:29:00.000-06:00

Okay, so last post to the contrary, my husband is actually quite a catch. He always makes me smile, is one of the most even-tempered people I know and every once in a while he surprises me and absolutely makes my heart hum with pleasure.

This is crunch week on my project and work is ruling my life. DH has not only graciously jumped into the role of taking care of the house and making sure I eat more than Poptarts for 3 meals a day but he had a special surprise for me when I came home the other day.

Due to our recent move and the ongoing renovation of a bathroom our garage has been a disaster zone. This has lead to some chilly mornings already here in Chicagoland as I've gone out to get into the car. Call me spoiled but, I like to have my car semi-warm and not covered in frost.

Well, as I rolled into the driveway after a gruelling 13 hrs at the office I was thrilled when I discoved that my lovely, wonderful, DH had gotten my side of the garage cleared. It may sound like it's a small thing, but he also had a hot meal ready along with a cold bottle of wine, so it made my day and was exactly what I needed at that time.

When alcohol flows like water

2006-11-09T22:52:00.000-06:00

So, am I wrong to be irritated that my DH is out of town for a class and he has gone out drinking every night with his class mates?

I guess I'm just a bit surprised. We both enjoy having the occasional drink, but rarely go to a bar to do so. I know that his company arranged for 2 of the events so attendance was mandatory and they oh-so kindly paid for an open bar, setting the stage - I guess - for bar-hopping afterward. The thing that really bugs me, and I can't decide if this is just totally selfish, is that he knows I'm working 12+ hrs a day and under a lot of stress. Usually he's my sanity check and the one who can calm me down with just a smile--needless to say, I lean on him pretty heavily at times and I've been spoiled. Not to mention the fact that going to a bar isn't something I'd choose to do with my free time while on business anyway--shopping, hell yes--and I'd probably go for a while since I'm truly not anti-social, but going out and drinking heavily is NOT my cup of tea.

So I was expecting to talk to him for a while each night - thank you cell phones! - but for 4 nights straight he's been out when I called and had plans to stay out past when I was going to go to bed. In fact he's in Atlantic City right now...and I'm still working/taking a break from working at 1115 pm. This sucks.

I know, all this amounts to is bitching and moaning, and I'm not even sure I'm going to post this, but justified or not, I'm ticked. However, I know that nothing good will come of voicing this to DH, so thanks for listening. If the patten continues the next time he goes out of town, then I'll say something, but for now I know that he's been missing the camraderie of the military and all his buddies, so I don't want to be a bitch and deny him what he's found.

Now that I think about it...there's the true rub. I don't have anyone of my own to hang out with yet (since we just moved 3 mos ago). How pathetic is it that in a frickin' city of 8 million people I can't find someone to share a martini with? (And Mamacita--you don't count! You know I love you dearly and love the time I get to spend with you, but I'm sure you don't want to be the only girl I hang with.) And it's not even like I have had the time to do anything besides shower and work lately, but it would be nice to know that someone was there if I needed them.

I miss all my girls--you know who you are.

Well, work is staring me in the face while my pillow sings like the siren she is...

Masters of our own Vacation

2006-10-31T15:00:00.000-06:00

Recently I had the realization that in our nearly 5 years of marriage, my DH and I have only taken one vacation by ourselves. Which, by the way, was our honeymoon in 2002. Which by the way sucked due to a rotten package deal and one very nasty cleanliness issue in a Ft Lauderdale hotel.

So we declared a mulligan on the honeymoon and redid it in 2004. We had a great time in Paris and in Germany, but my sister was along for part of the ride and then we visited some of DH's family for the rest of the trip. In 2005 DH's entire clan got together for a huge ski trip (my first) and I had an absolute blast. In 2006 we paired up a visit from my MIL to our CA home with another ski trip and again, had a great time. But as talks of a 2007 extended family trip began to float around, I had my revelation. Not that I don't love them, in fact I see my in-laws more than my own family, however I think it's time we go solo again. So I brought this up to DH and he agreed to do something just for us next year. Hooray!

Unfortunatley now the planning of the trip is squarely in my lap. God Bless my MIL who in large part coordinated the last 2 trips...I wonder if I could pay her to be our vacation planner this year? So now we have to figure out where we want to go. I get the Eurpoe bug about every 2-3 years and Italy has been on my mind. I only saw the highlights of Rome the last time I was there and DH has never been. Then there's a friend who's getting married in France in June...but that ruins the "just for us" intent, doesn't it? Plus, with the stress of the last year, lying on a beach for hours on end is very appealing. Has anyone ever gone to one of those cheesy Sandals resorts? We're definitley not looking for group beach games, but having everything at our fingertips and being cost inclusive looks like a good deal. Does anyone know what the catch is?

Even though it's going to take a bit more effort on my part to plan things, I'm really looking forward to it. Now I REALLY need to get that new gym membership this week, so that I don't frighten the natives in a bikini!

Crisis of Will

2006-10-30T22:49:00.000-06:00

Okay everyone, bear with me...I've been inspired by some of my friends and their blogs, so here we go. Hopefully I can find enough interesting things to write about...

So, for those of you who haven't traveled the last year with me, I've gone through quite a transition in these 12 months. Both my DH and I left the Air Force and found kick-ass jobs in the civilian world. This of course took months of effort, the help of a top notch recruiting firm (Thank you, Cameron-Brooks), and involved a serious relocation from the West Coast to the Midwest. I definitely found a "stretch" position with a huge, innovative, great company that so far I love.

Why then, after all this effort do I find myself questioning if I have it in me to work hard enough to succeed? It's not that I'm having a Crisis of Capability--I know that I can do the work. The question that keeps pestering me is do I have the ethics within me to actually do the work. You know, you hear all the time about someone who's simply driven to succeed. They work umpteen hours a week and live and breathe for their jobs and they are very, very successful at what they do.

Is there anything wrong with being on the flip side of that coin?

I have to admit, on days like today which included a 3-hr meeting from Hades at the end of an 11hr day, all I want is some serious work-life balance. I want to work my 40-hrs and then go home. I don't want to be working on weekends or at 10:54pm (current time--just finished working). I suppose the problem is that I'd love to be highly compensated for all that "balance." Am I missing some critical gene that would have ultimately made me successful in business? I don't know. I know some people are born to work and others have no desire to do anything besides raise their children. I'm so jealous that they've figured it out for themselves, but where does that leave the rest of us who haven't gotten the neon sign from the Universe yet?

Stuck with a crisis of will, apparently.